i apoligise for not adding this earlier but, general tw/cw for self harm, and possible future tw for depression and derealization

14/04/21

i dont talk about it much bc of how embarassing it is to deal with but i have dermatillomania (skin picking disorder). its a bfrb, body focused repetetive disorder, and is listed under obssesive-compulsive and related disorders. its not when u just bite ur nails or pick at a spot every once in a while, its non stop. everytime i see an imperfection anywhere on my body my hands instictually go to pick it, scratch it or tear it off. i tend to focus on my face and fingers but i definetly have self made scars on my arms, legs and shoulders. i hate it when people compare it to self harm. i have self harmed before, i know this is different. i dont want the pain that comes from it. i hate the aching and stinging that it leaves behind for days, not being able to bend my knuckles because theyre so sore with open wounds. but i love the couple seconds of satisfaction i get after the imperfection is gone (even if its instead replaced with a scar or lesion), before i feel the guilt kick in that is. i tend to spend up to hours a week looking at my face in the mirror or bending down to get a better look at my hands, almost like im looking for something i can fix. its even worse when im consious that im doing it and i just cant pull myself away. i feel like im not in control and i hate it and its embaressing. when im not consious of it however it tends to last a couple minutes, 10 at best, and i finish picking at the specific thing and stop. i'd then realise there is a wound on my hand later on and assume that i had picked it earlier without realising. i've only had one really bad experience with it. i once did it while sleeping which made me really anxious and scared when i woke up to find my fingers were burning in pain.
anyway, i just wanted to vent here because i had relapsed and picked 4 fingers really badly and now im wearing gloves and loads of plasters. no one irl really gets it and i feel dumb writting it in my irl journal. im not really sure why that is.

09/04/21

i havent written in this in so long ahh..

i just wanted to type out my thoughts on expressing myself. not neccasarily my emotions, more my thoughts and ideas. i've realised i find it very difficult to explain my thoughts and opinions when speaking to someone. this was really clear when i was in an argument with my partner at the time about whether reverse racism and sexism exists, keep in mind i dont think it does (im also black and have faced trauma related to racism). i had so many points in my head but i just couldnt conceptialise them to the point i was talking to myself aloud to find out what the right words were, not even right, any words to get across what i needed to say. i've had so many debates with my sister about spirituality (we have different faiths, me not even nesacarily being religous, but i love her to bits and her ideas about life are so interesting) but i find it so difficult to ever say what i mean, im constantly back tracking and i can just never find the words to go with the thoughts in my head.

i'm attempting to write a guide to the dark web, and thinking about writing a guide to lucid dreaming once im done. im incredibly self consious about my writing in it. maybe this is normal idk lol but its just so wierd to me since its non-fiction writing. i've never felt this way specifically about my writing (style). i just feel like im writing is rambling and unstructured and unorganised and i dont know how to fix it. i dont feel self consious writing here but i guess since its structured facts and information? i would think it would be the other way round but what do i know. maybe its not as serious as i think. it might be an adhd thing? i should do research into it
anyway, i now see this as practise ! hopefully once i finish writing my guide to lucid dreaming i would have improved :)

have a good day, parox loves u <3

05/03/21

waa im finally writing in here
i have a lot of school work to finish since im going back to irl school on monday (cringe ik). i was super anxious about it but i think i've just accepted it now.
im procastinating rn though, watching one of ellien's streams since theyre super comforting and funny while copying my poems onto my (brand new!) poems page. tbh i've been planning to do it for a couple days now but only just did it. i feel really vulnerable about them but i do also wanna store them online somehow, this was of course the best place to put it.
yesterday i ordered puppy paws, kandi beads and magical girl site ! the kandi beads arrived last night and i already made a kandi that said puppy bref and magical girl site is coming today >_< im so freakin excited aha i only own to mangas and kinda wondering if i should get into them more.. i'm into psychological horror stuff and im planning to get school-live! if you have any reccs please tell dm them to me on insta ^_^